I'm kind of trying to work on getting some pictures up here. Part of the problem is that I've taken very few since I've been here. Maybe a dozen? But the one picture I'm very eager to post is of Alla and her younger son, Kostya. Otherwise, I don't know, part of not feeling like a tourist here involves not really feeling the urge to take pictures. I guess I'll have to force myself eventually.

So, what is there to say. Yesterday I saw a performance of Nikolai Gogol's "The Government Inspector". It's a play. I didn't understand the action at all. At intermission my friends explained the general plot, but I couldn't help zoning out during the second half and didn't really follow the rest. I did truly enjoy it though. I genuinely like theater at least partly due to the experience itself, watching the actors, the atmosphere. And it makes me really want to see the play performed in English. We got tickets to see ballet next Saturday, which will be nice because of the absence of language. Same goes for music. Tonight I might be going to a hookah bar and tomorrow I'm taking a day-trip to Moscow. I guess the primary goal of the visit is to find American food that people are craving, namely buffalo wings and McDonalds. I think we're going to find a TGI Friday's. Honestly I haven't craved ANY food since I've gotten here but I like Moscow and would be happy just to be back there for a small adventure. 

An interesting event on the bus: I was going home one day on trolley #10. The bus was pretty crowded. I'd always noticed on buses that people never get up for other people.. in other words if there's an elderly person and all the seats are occupied, no one gives up their seat. No one expects it either. It's just the way things are. It made me slightly uncomfortable at first but honestly I've always felt somewhat awkward on the bus, so I just decided to play along. But today, for some reason, I just couldn't take it anymore. The bus was very crowded and I watched as the smallest little woman, leaning on a cane, boarded the bus and took her position standing next to me while I sat. I became so uncomfortable I decided to stand up, but suddenly a woman behind me started saying something. Honestly I couldn't understand, but I did make out that she was telling me to sit back down. The woman on the cane made no motion to take my seat, and honestly I have no idea what happened expect for that my offer was not well received. But days after the event, I still find myself thinking a lot about it, curious. The woman who told me to sit down was not with the cane lady. I thought so at first but later realized they didn't know each other. What did the cane lady feel when I offered the seat? Did she want it or not? Is it pride or is she just accustomed to standing? Does anyone ever offer up their seat in Russia? I'm kind of sick of seeing older women being forced to stand on the buses, especially because these buses drive so erratically. The ride is not smooth and it can be tough to hang on at times. This, I guess, is what I was talking about before. People here expect less comfort, whereas I'm used to the people at home expecting to be catered to. Patches of ice at home are viewed as serious hazards whereas here... they just deal with it. I kind of love that. But there's still so much I don't know or understand about everyday life here. I make my assumptions and judgements based on observation but not really discourse, so they're definitely not complete or even correct. I have much more contact with Americans than Russians at the moment, but that's my choice. I'd like to get more used to life here before reaching out. I guess. Or maybe it's just laziness. 

I'm not sure that my Russian has improved much since I've gotten here, only that I'm more used to speaking in Russian. And in that sense it's easier, but this may be merely psychological. I'm so used to communication being difficult that I think going home will be very strange. Just, everything being so easy all of a sudden. To say whatever I need to say. As if I didn't already know how important communication with other people is... I guess it's also a good sign that I couldn't care less about how much I stand out now. At the beginning, I'm not sure how hard I tried to blend in, but I guess I cared more. At this point, I don't try and I don't care. I bought black nail polish. I'm acting more myself. 

A speaker from this program at orientation said something I've thought about constantly the entire time I've been here: traveling gives you the opportunity to discover yourself in a new context. Here I am, in a new place with new people, so what parts of myself have remained and which parts have evolved? I've been both pleased with and disappointed with the aspects of myself that have stayed. But at least I know myself a little better. That knowledge is worth a lot to me. I know more what I'm capable of and what my limits are. I know a little more of what I want out of life and, at the same time, a little less. Well, a lot less. Whatever.