Early Sunday morning (Moscow time) I left Russia to return home due to a family emergency. Because of visa problems, I won't be returning to finish this semester. The plan for now is to find a job and practice my Russian however I can. My goal is to return to Russia this fall, to study in St. Petersburg for another semester. 

Thanks everyone for reading. I might still occasionally post here to reflect on any experiences or events that I didn't talk about before. Either way, my first trip to Russia has come to an end and I'd say it was a success.

I think this week I finally experienced true culture shock for the first time. I had never really understood what culture shock is. When I asked some people here, they said it resembles immense frustration towards the host culture. But I never understand what separated mere frustration from "culture shock". I think this week I got my answer, and it involves the need to almost continuously cuss out Russia and all its citizens under my breath and around the clock with immense vigor. I don't know if this was just a bad week or if it just takes this long to get that fed up, but I was very angry several times recently. Not nearly enough to want to leave, but enough to want to severely beat every single person who taunted me for speaking English on the street with friends or laughed at my Russian. Maybe culture shock just means when you can't take it anymore and clumsily begin to hate countries at large for these trivial experiences. When you find yourself saying "Oh my God Russia, just go kill yourself", etc., it means something. Especially when, up until that point, you spent years of your life dedicated to Russia, its people and its language.

And of course I still am in love with Russia, supposedly this feeling is normal and obviously temporary. Russia is a difficult enough country to live in but, when you can't really speak Russian, it's just that much harder. I took a large van home yesterday instead of the normal bus/trolleybus, which I've done many times before, but when I left the driver honked at me and started yelling. I had no idea why, I had paid as soon as I got on the van. But I couldn't make out what he was yelling at me, so I said I didn't understand him. And he, almost disgusted, just quietly told me to close the door and drove off. Really that's not a big deal, and usually I wouldn't care much, but after several such experiences all occuring within a short time period, it just can get to you. It's bad enough the driver was surly and accusatory, but the fact that I couldn't defend myself turns it into something else, and that feeling of helplessness, vulnerability and weakness is difficult for me to get used to. By far the most difficult part of studying this language, the times when I feel most frustrated, is not the lack of vocabulary or the complexity of the grammar, but just... that feeling when you don't understand another human being and you want to so badly.

Some weeks are better than others, but usually it goes day by day. No question I'm happy I've been here and I want to be here for a long time. There's no more worthwhile challenge, for me at least. Russia can ultimately be depressing as hell but it makes me happy.

Important: do NOT send me any mail or packages.

Here are some more pictures:

This says "I love Vladimir." The city, not a person.

One of the streets I walk down on my way to school.

The Novodevichy Cemetery in Moscow. 

A monastery in Moscow.

The sign translates to read: "President Dmitriy Medvedev is watching you."

During breaks in class, we usually sleep. On this day Kelsey was scratching Madelyn's back.

I finally watch some Russian television news and all I really learn is that today marked Barbie's 50th birthday? I swear this story was running all day. That and something about a pastor getting shot. 

We spent the night in Moscow. I guess the highlights were a puppet theater performance of Gulliver's Travels, lunch in a Georgian restaurant and a visit to that huge cemetery. It was all nice. I was really happy to stay in a hostel again. I forgot how nice they are, and we heard a lot of Americans, which was thrilling for me. I miss the sound of Americans speaking English. That's what I miss the most. Which I wouldn't have expected. It's just the sound of me belonging, fitting in, I guess. I kind of miss that.

On Sunday morning I left the hostel early to buy my friends some flowers for International Women's Day. In Vladimir and Moscow, you can find tiny 24-hour flower stores or kiosks on every block. It's extremely common throughout the year. Somehow giving flowers is either more common or important in Russia than the US. On this day, men are practically required to buy flowers for the women in their lives, whether they be girlfriends or mothers or teachers. I approached a kiosk to buy the flowers, and there was a young boy, maybe about 17, also there to buy something. He looked giddy, excited, full of energy, smiling. After buying his flowers, he wished the women working there a happy holiday, turned to me and did the same, then immediately set off running down the street. It was really sweet. The holiday definitely trumps Valentine's Day, it's a much bigger deal though both are celebrated in Russia. 

Alla lectured me the other day because she said I go to Madelyn's apartment too often. It was the most tense moment of our relationship and it annoyed me a great deal, actually. She has many good, legitimate points but overall, in truth, I'm not her real daughter and I should be allowed to spend my time where I want to. Madelyn's host mom (and Madelyn) has invited me over and seems fine with my spending time there. I shouldn't eat her food, though, I admit it's right that I eat at home, but otherwise, I don't know. I think Alla wishes I spent more time at home in general, and it bothers her that I'm spending it in someone else's. She refuses to call my cell phone when she worries about me cause she says she doesn't want to bother or control me. But still I feel a little restricted in her home. Of course I knew, more or less, what I was getting into when agreeing to live with a host family. But still, part of the reason I came to Russia was to be more independent and sometimes I don't feel that living with Alla. This is why I want to stay in Russia longer, but maybe not with a host family again. And as comfortable as I feel living in Alla's home, and as much as I like Alla, I wouldn't want to live with her another semester. But I'll definitely visit.

This Sunday is International Women's Day. It's actually a very big deal here. We got a day off school on Monday, even, so I'm going to spend a night in Moscow with a few people. I'm not even sure what we're doing, but I do know I want to visit the big cemetery where famous people are buried. I think it's Novodevichy Cemetery. Eisenstein, Chekhov, Bulgakov, Gogol, Krushchev, Prokofiev... the list goes on. 

And on Friday our planned excursion as a group is a day-trip to a nearby town called Suzdal. 

Send me a package/letter! I suddenly realized today how badly I want them. Shipping is expensive, so only if you can. But if you can and want to, please do! Here's the address:

600006 Vladimir

Tsentr Russistiki KORA

Ul. Vorovskogo, d. 14

Laurie Spector

RUSSIA

I will say that I am listening to the album "Chelsea Girl" by Nico for the first time and it is just beautiful. Highly recommended. No one comes here for music suggestions but I can't help myself.

Alla, what am I going to do with you? Last night I arrived home to have Alla tell me she cleaned out my backpack because she had knocked it over while cleaning my room and everything spilled out. Not to call Alla a liar but, to be perfectly blunt, I don't believe her. I'm not upset. I think she's hilarious. But at least it's good to know that literally nothing I own is safe anymore. Goodbye privacy. She did write me a note the other day that began with "Laurie, my sweet". She obviously cares a great deal for me and if she's curious enough to take some liberties with my personal possessions, so be it. I'm living in her house for Christ's sake. And it's not like I have anything to hide.

There are local government elections today in Vladimir. Alla won't be home all day because she's working at the polls. A girl slept on our couch last night, but I'm still not clear on who actually she is. She left early this morning. I think her name is Zhenya. I guess it's not that important. 

I was approached by some Jehovah's Witnesses while walking down Ulitsa Mira yesterday. Honestly it was pretty neat. The men said hello and that they wanted to show me or tell me about something. Then they pulled out their literature and I saw the word "Jehovah", so I told them I was interested but I don't really speak Russian well. They took out a book with a little message in several languages and flipped to the English page, and I was completely amused by this. I know exactly how to deal with this type of situation in America but it was a little more delicate trying to explain in Russian, because they kept doing that thing where they want to get your contact information so they can hunt you down. I said "this is not my religion" and the man, even a bit irritated, explained that they weren't trying to convert me, just inform me. So I asked for a website and this seemed good enough to satisfy them, but really it was a very pleasant experience and... funny. 

I forgot to mention we accidentally came across a synagogue while in Moscow that second time. I walked right past it but the others saw and called me over. It was really amazing, actually, because I keep meaning to find the Vladimir synagogue but I haven't done it yet. It definitely reignited my interest, though, and it made me homesick only a little. I bought a Russian-Hebrew dictionary from the gift shop, though in retrospect I think I could've gotten a better souvenir. 

This is frustrating, it really is getting harder and harder to write even though I'm getting better stories. I'm sorry if I'm writing less often but I'll try to get back into the swing of things.