I think this week I finally experienced true culture shock for the first time. I had never really understood what culture shock is. When I asked some people here, they said it resembles immense frustration towards the host culture. But I never understand what separated mere frustration from "culture shock". I think this week I got my answer, and it involves the need to almost continuously cuss out Russia and all its citizens under my breath and around the clock with immense vigor. I don't know if this was just a bad week or if it just takes this long to get that fed up, but I was very angry several times recently. Not nearly enough to want to leave, but enough to want to severely beat every single person who taunted me for speaking English on the street with friends or laughed at my Russian. Maybe culture shock just means when you can't take it anymore and clumsily begin to hate countries at large for these trivial experiences. When you find yourself saying "Oh my God Russia, just go kill yourself", etc., it means something. Especially when, up until that point, you spent years of your life dedicated to Russia, its people and its language.

And of course I still am in love with Russia, supposedly this feeling is normal and obviously temporary. Russia is a difficult enough country to live in but, when you can't really speak Russian, it's just that much harder. I took a large van home yesterday instead of the normal bus/trolleybus, which I've done many times before, but when I left the driver honked at me and started yelling. I had no idea why, I had paid as soon as I got on the van. But I couldn't make out what he was yelling at me, so I said I didn't understand him. And he, almost disgusted, just quietly told me to close the door and drove off. Really that's not a big deal, and usually I wouldn't care much, but after several such experiences all occuring within a short time period, it just can get to you. It's bad enough the driver was surly and accusatory, but the fact that I couldn't defend myself turns it into something else, and that feeling of helplessness, vulnerability and weakness is difficult for me to get used to. By far the most difficult part of studying this language, the times when I feel most frustrated, is not the lack of vocabulary or the complexity of the grammar, but just... that feeling when you don't understand another human being and you want to so badly.

Some weeks are better than others, but usually it goes day by day. No question I'm happy I've been here and I want to be here for a long time. There's no more worthwhile challenge, for me at least. Russia can ultimately be depressing as hell but it makes me happy.